Written by Dee Stevens 7/9/20
You might wonder why some beliefs can be destructive to your marriage and you would be valid in believing there are no destructive beliefs that can harm your marriage, but it might surprise you that these hidden beliefs, could be sitting around in the back of your mind undermining all your efforts in your marriage. These beliefs could be holding you back from having the best relationship of your life because you have come to believe that this is as good as it gets. You could also begin to believe that your relationship is broken and that you either need to fix it or dump it.
I believed about 90% of these beliefs myself until I began to study the subject. Now I can look at my old beliefs and question them as to where they came from and whether they are a benefit or not to my relationship. So here they are:
#1 Your soul mate will automatically know what to say and do to make you happy. You might think in the beginning of the relationship that someone is perfect for you because they know exactly how to make you happy. What you don’t know is that during the start of a relationship, there are chemicals that fire that make you try anything to please that person. As the relationship goes on this person might not pick up on cues you are sending out and may not be able to read your mind. This is when you need to start communicating your needs instead of expecting them to know just what to do.
#2 Healthy marriages are don’t have conflict. Healthy marriages do have conflict and that conflict can look like yelling and screaming at times. It’s what is said and how the conflicts are resolved that can predict whether the relationship will last or not.
#3 People who are married are unhappy. The exact opposite is true. It has been shown in studies that marriage does increase your happiness. You also get more sex and the partnership begins to allow you to get your needs met. It is when a relationship begins to have unresolved problems that it begins to suffer. These are not necessarily nails in the coffin of your marriage, but problems that need to be addressed to go back to being happy.
#4 Our kids need us so they should always come first. This is something that many people believe because they see their children as needy and unable to take care of themselves. Unfortunately couples who don’t nurture the relationship and let it stagnate grow further and further apart. It is better for the children if the parents continue to work on their relationship and it teaches children what a healthy relationship looks like.
#5 Happy couples have to do everything together. It is good to have common interests in a relationship, but not necessarily to do everything together. In fact it can be good to have separate vacations and/or hobbies to grow as an individual that can be attractive to your partner.
#6 Affairs are the main cause of divorce. Affairs can be devastating, but they are not the original cause of a divorce. There are usually unmet needs in the divorce such as physical or intimate needs that their partner may be ignoring. It is better to always work these needs out with your partner and affairs are never the answer. This is where communication is needed.
#7 Marriage is 50-50. We may believe that everything is supposed to be even in marriage, but this is not so. Would you only put 50% of your effort into your job or your children? Marriage should be 100-100 with both of you doing whatever it takes to grow and repair your marriage. You should also continue to put in 100% when your partner is only giving 20% because there might be something that your partner is struggling with at the time such as illness or loss of confidence.
#8 The first years are supposed to be the best years. You might think that honeymooners have it all together and don’t have any problems, but they have it the worst. They are trying to adapt their different lifestyles to each others. They are struggling with communicating what they need and sometimes just expecting the other to understand them. They may not have looked at their requirements for marriage before hand and are now facing unsolvable problems.
#9 Marriage eliminates the feeling of loneliness. There are going to be times when you feel lonely in your marriage as well. There are going to be times when you need to accept this feeling and know that you have the ability to connect with your partner or other people if you choose to. You also will need time to embrace the feeling of being with yourself and loving yourself so that you don’t need a partner at those times.
#10 Couples coaching is for fixing a broken marriage. Most the time when a marriage is broken, it is too late to fix. Couples coaching is a way to gain the skills needed for the relationship to thrive. It can also show you ways that you didn’t even know to have the relationship of your dreams. If you think you would like to experience coaching fill out an application and we will have a free action call.