Written by Dee Stevens 8/2/20
Have you ever found yourself in the middle of an ugly argument with your SO only wonder, “How did we get here?” Nobody wants to fight in their relationships because it is uncomfortable and sometimes scary, but we do it anyway. Here are four big reasons why we fight and a way to stop. Be sure to watch the video to hear this all explained in an example of my most intense fight with my husband.
1. We have unmet needs. In our relationships, we have needs such as security, attention, physical touch, sex, etc. that we expect our partner to fulfill. When the person we love lets us down and doesn’t think our needs are essential, we tend to build up resentment toward our partner until we finally get outraged and blow up.
We also struggle with knowing how to get these needs met without a blow-up. After all, when we were babies and needed our diapers changed, a bottle, or to be held, what did we do? We screamed and cried until someone came and helped us. It is imprinted in our brains to scream and yell to be heard.
2. We have triggers stemming from our past experiences. When we have experienced trauma or just let-downs in our lives, we also imprint this on our brain, and when something reminds us of that traumatic event, we get defensive or go on the attack. This is a way to protect ourselves and never have to deal with the pain again. Much of this trauma happened when we were children and didn’t have healthy ways of coping with the event. As adults, we don’t always think about healthy ways of dealing with our triggers and instead result in freeze, fight, or flight methods.
3. We blame others. Instead of taking responsibility for our mood, our unmet expectations, or our mistakes, we blame the people around us. It can be uncomfortable taking responsibility and more comfortable to blame others. We also see a lot of blaming others happening in the culture around us. If others are to blame, then it is up to them to fix it, not us. Unfortunately, that gives them the upper hand, and we can’t make them fix things.
4. We love to be right. There is a rush of adrenaline that comes with being right in an argument. That rush can overcome our need for peace in our relationships. We were raised with the knowledge of right vs. wrong, and to be right gives us a sense of self-esteem. We have all heard the saying, “Would you rather be right, or would you rather be happy. For most of us, we would rather be happy.
How do we avoid fighting and still get our needs met? I developed a FREE course that does just this. Click here for more details.